It is love, or everything, as always?
It seems that this time, with this man all is for real. They are so suitable to each other, they have so much jointly, apparently, and they both are dreaming about one and the same thing. Such thoughts may seethe in the heads of the two lovers, or only at someone one of them. Though, in other also has some excitement and intentions and feelings too, but
whether they coincide in them?
How often have to start a new relationship that end, at best, by anything and at worst just bad. If this is repeated, then it is not the chance, and the scheme, the program.
Many modern psychologists, especially practitioners are convinced that some part of their lives, some specific everyday situations, people live on autopilot. And there are people and them are many in which automatic control is coupled with the sphere of relationships.
How to determine what those unpleasant things that happen, occur doesn’t awareness, mechanically? Psychologists who specialize on the problems a dependent and codependent behaviors observed regularities the development relationships that can be named painful – directed to the inevitable by divorce partners.
Scheme development the relationships that are doomed
All stages go on the principle of inclusion of a certain variant behavior in both or in someone one.
My other half, my love. Stage I
The development starts with finding the another person for whom such scheme behavior is needed at the moment. Namely: the savior, the controller, the victim. Happens merger, unification that is accompanied strong emotional ascension and filling the positive emotions. So formed a new pair.
Happiness is never too much. Stage II
A lot of communication, attention, help, which gradually turns into control and violation of personal boundaries of loved one. At the beginning arise only a slight tension. It feel both of them people who are in the such relationships.
Unfortunately, people which tend to dissolve in own love, not able to see it. They deny and do not want to realize that full each other that the time to step back and give yourself and other more space, more freedom.
In one who more inclined to bind to a partner arises anxiety. An unhealthy scheme behavior in of such a person begins to unfold in all positions. This is accompanied by excessive servility beloved, controlling, salvage. Appears a desire to return thrill in communication, which was the first phase, and the guilt that that former, emotional content fades. These extremes are usually provoked the panic fear of losing a loved one.
The time to cast away stones. Stage III
The next stage of relationships is time when one of a pair pull away from such excessive presence of the other in their lives.
At the beginning the partner is trying to somehow to show that besides the love there are other areas that are equally important to him. This takes place in the form of hints and mild displeasure.
If nothing changes, the irritation is enhanced and goes into open rejection. Initially a person begins to to distance emotionally, then reduces the time they spend together. At this moment in the other partner (with the painful scheme of behavior) starts mode obsession. This manifests itself not as help or care but how a persecution, frank imposition himself for loved man. In the relationship appear first tantrums and jealousy. In conversation from time to time hear the accusations, all past insult mentions. In emotional mood the possessed partner dominate fear, an emotional pain and resentment.
Everything, as always. Stage IV
It stage rupture in relations. Tantrums in the pair each time becoming more and they are repeated more often. Events begin to develop more quickly. The behavior of a man who is afraid to be abandoned, becomes aggressive, even brutal. One of the partners does not stand up and occur a tearing.
This may occur abruptly – in one go or gradually, for several events.In this period in an abandoned amplified an emotional pain and escalates feeling of guilt. The obsession such person becomes even stronger and more similar to the madness. At this moment insulted half the partner may to threaten, to abuse alcohol, to try to do suicide, and so on.
In this period the people do a lot of reckless behavior. And it can hold up for a while the one who decided to break the link.
Did he stay? If nothing in the behavior of partners will not change cardinally, it is unlikely. Even physically stayed together, between people will never be genuine closeness and trust. Therefore parting – a matter of time.
I again stand alone. Stage V
Comes a final rupture. The emotional pain, sense of helplessness and guilt in an abandoned man grow so that she falls into a strong depression.
Opinions overflow self-incrimination. Periodically arise desires and reflections about how to regain the lost person and the lost relationship.
Are applied efforts to restore relations, but it is usually not possible.
Every such an attempt brings yet more pain and a person pushes an even greater depression. This continues until, a man finds new partner and starts a new relationship.
This time everything will be different
If you recognize yourself in these areas and stand in the new communication, it is important to understand that these new relationships will not be new in content, gist. Most likely, this drama will continue, but with a different partner. In addition, there is a regularity what all the unpleasant moments will be even worse. Your automatic habit tied to the beloved and over flow yourself his life, will be further strengthened. The reason is that this next communication is only a means from that painful condition in which a person found herself through of previous relationships.
To endeavor, servility and to love
Entering into a new relationship,abandoned person is convinced that previous relationships have collapsed because of her fault. That is – she few tried. But to try for these people envisages a whole set destructive actions:
- to rescue;
- to control;
- to servility;
- do not recognizing own feelings;
- denial of self.
But these methods of communication with a partner will start autopilot and next the collapse of the relationship, even if all starts very well. The problem is that other models of behavior such people do not know so in the next relationship will be all as always.
Psychologists advise before, as to go in search of a new partner and to build a romantic plans for the future initially conduct psychological work on himself.
And the minimum that necessary to make – this to review previous relationship and separate in them these stages. When and how in a ruined relationship started and ended with the next destructive phase. What action partner (or my) helped launch each next stage.
Such an analytics helps findin it self those painful places through which begin activated mechanisms the unhealthy behaviors that are man can not control. Accordingly, then will be possible at least the to avoid such moments and keep their impulses (to servility, to control or to help) under close supervision.
It is necessary to understand and accept three things:
- How would we try to control life of our partner,we do not succeed.
- How would we do not wanted but we can not rescue the anyone.
- How much we no tried to please, we can not always be convenient for others.
So all we can – this to respect the freedom of our beloved and his right to choose.
Stop to help those who us does not ask about it or asking too often.
And accept the fact that we can not make happy the other, especially if he does not want this, but we can find happiness for yourself.