Once again as always or is it love? New relationship
About how people experience such gap we said in the article “It is love, or everything, as always?” But those tips that are provided may bring only temporary relief.
And point is not, in to just calm down, but, in order to a new meeting not brought with it a new and frustration.
As mentioned earlier, if the situation repeats itself constantly, then this is not the case, or some total bad luck – this regularity. The task of the person who wants to get rid of an unpleasant situations – examine them to identify the causes and get rid of those factors that provoke an undesirable things.
Step I. The analytical part
During the observation of the people who practice in relations destructive schemes, it appears that any down into autopilot, preceded by some a specific situation that worked as the command. Upon hearing this command, a person launched a set behavioral responses which she gives one by one almost unconsciously. Even if she realizes that would not be worth something to do, just can not to stop. Some specialists compare these states with the reaction of the patients with alcoholism. Moreover, they had come to the conclusion that an alcoholic problem slightly more simple in terms of self control – this prohibition on alcohol. In other words – known a moment of launch.
People with dependence on others, problem was to find a button that launches their destructive behavior. And, to accustom themselves will stop before the emergence situation (button) after which the person will be not able to control yourself.
So the first step should be picky analysis all own unsuccessful relationships, starting from the last one. If it is about a couple, which is still together and just in crisis, then examin the current situation. We recommend that you will to read the previous article and analyze everything that happened at within those periods that described in the article. Here you can not lose sight of any details. Anything can be the starting Lever, some completely insignificant event: unsuccessful told word, ignored the question, someone call at the wrong time, and so on. It is important to understand what pushes you at a destructiveness that turns the situation in the mainstream: again as usual.
A set of issues for the analytical work:
- What exactly happening in those moments?
- What was I doing in these moments?
- How I feel then?
- What I talked my partner?
- To what is leads?
- How this all ending?
- How do I myself feel at a result?
- What do I did afterward?
Here importantly, as the most detailed understood and analyzed own unhealthy behaviors, saw all own failures. Such procedure is unpleasant, because, necessary to mention all your bad relationships, all your the psychological trauma, all your pain and despair.
Step II. Conclusions and decisions
Upon completion this work is important to realize and to confess to myself that at the moment you can not build your relationships by the scheme differently than this. What do you are able to only so to love and only so to build own relationships. At the moment you can only in this way to receive the recognition, attention and love.
In order for to prevent the occurrence a situation that trigger the a destructive echanism, we must abandon the doomed: again as usual and instead this will to put clear boundaries in your behavior for yourself.
The mandatory minimum rules:
- Do not be a lifesaver;
- No control;
- No movies, books and songs (about love, a “beautiful” suffering, a lifesaver, etc.) in which is unhealthy behavior is towering and fed as norm;
- Do not enter into new relationships, until you internalized a new behavioral schemes;
- If some is a relationships, the to consider the the question of liability (this better to write down). Who in your pair for what to responsible and adhere to strictly the specified;
- Set a personal boundaries and did not allow to violate them your partner.
Step III. Everyday training
The third step is the most difficult for many. If you watch on everyone then we can be concluded: virtually everyone know what should be done to make own life better, but how many people practice this knowledge? Results of any knowledge can fasten a everyday repetition, the exercises and test.
Therefore, having understood at own problems, finding weaknesses and recognizing the gaps in own behavior, should take yourself under close monitoring of at least on six months. What is implied. Everyday monitor their behavior, not the person rolls down again in the control, lifesaver and servility. Does the does not repeat itself this: again as usual. For such an observation, good to have a diary and write down events of own life, to analyze and make conclusions with every a lived day.
The challenge is not in order to just to know how to handle and to eradicate the old destructive mechanisms. Parallel to this, to launch new constructive schemes in your daily behavior and to bring them to automatism.
Learn on automatic to feel dangerous moments, even before the situation will become uncontrollable.
To watch your mood, to correct own desire, to have a clear idea in which relationships
person wants to be and to reject anything that does not fit.
Everything, as in sport – a daily training, healthy nutrition and gradual increase a loads.